Backbone and Foundation

Over the past weekend I went to my hometown of St. Louis,  MO, something I do very often But,This visit felt different.
While there I got to really have a conversation with my aunt about my great grandmother, and about some other things like family, love and the memories we have.

Now,  I can say when it comes to conversation with my family,  they can be EPIC! We've talked about it all, no topic has been taboo yet death, love, laws, homes, children and memories. 
Things we probably should have gotten in trouble for, but hey the crime is to old now...
I told my aunt how I have more then just 2 siblings I have 5 extra ones that have played a role in making me the person I am today. I don't know if they feel the same way or not but, I know I include them in all of my thoughts. They are have permanent memories that are constantly going.

Yesterday, it was 4 generations in one car, and 4 generations coming together in one home. It blows my mind to think we are the same kids that made fake cigarettes out of line paper and baby powder, guns made of paper, with briefcases of homemade money. Now off doing other things, looking to buy homes, and move to different careers, I get the pleasure of being the youngest of all of these people I speak of so I can sit back and realize how far we all have really come, and how far we are all really going to go.

My foundation is the 2 generations ahead of me. My backbone is the generation with me.n

Knowing when...

Oh how time flies when your living life.
Last you've heard from me I was taking some big steps toward some big moves. so let me start with my jobs.

         So apparently I do have the caring gene. I was so worried about if I cared enough about other people to do an effective job at being a CNA. I know this is true because the first time I experienced a resident die in front of me I cried, not just because I was there, but because from the moment the resident came to my unit I took care of him. I was so attached to him, I think I will forever remember him or try to. Thats when I realized I can provide great care for someone who arrived as a stranger and left and a really good friend.. Now mind you I've only been at my new job since Mid-January. While I'm sure I will encounter more deaths as I go on working through the medical field, I do have one fear.
            My biggest fear is becoming numb to death I feel like I would be less of person if I did. I have been told time and time again 'Its part of life", 'Accept it, cause its going to happen", and my personal favorite of some of the other seasoned CNA's and Nurses at the nursing home "They are old and are going to die". I can't say I will be better at it, but maybe I will feel better about it as I come to learn the ends and outs of my new job. One thing someone has said to me that has kind of  stuck "They have lived their life, and now they are at peace." I think I can take that and run with it.
             My Other Job, is one I don't talk about as much, its more a one on one with a wonderful person that sometimes stress me out a little more then it should. I can say, I enjoy the time I spend learning about the past lives of her, and the people I get to see almost everyday. So i guess a bit of a break is what she gives me. My mother and I were talking and we have figured out that I work 220 hours a month I'm awake 480 hours a month, give or take when I don't get up on time. but with all of that I can say that I have achieved greatness at paying off my debt.
With my student loans and a former Chicago Apartment the only things hanging over my head I feel great, tired but freaking great. I'm back on track with my retirement and my home ownership goal. I feel good about where I'll be for my future. its all about ME ME ME ME right now.

I'm I doing this right?
Have I planned to much?
Will I be able to keep my cool?

Knowing when to much is to much, knowing when you are doing it right and knowing when your doing it wrong...Life as I know it is changing, for the better or for the worse, for me and those around me.

Separation Anxiety

I'd rather work 3 jobs then to let Target go...
I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem.

I started working at Target when I was 16 years old. I still remember my first day at work and the jar of baby food I broke and how I thought I would fired that day. I worked 6am till whenever the truck was finished every weekend for almost 2 years, then a cashier, then guest service, then price accuracy  I moved to Chicago, taking my job with me. Salesfloor, Cashier, Guest Service, Market, then back to Champiagn to return to my original Target working Market, Guest Service, and Cashier. 5 years of the most stable thing I can count on. Every two weeks getting paid.

Surprising I like retail, I like guest service and I like working a sales floor. Just recently I finished a training course to be a Certified Nursing Assistant. Now I'm in the process of applying for jobs and all I can thing to myself is "When the time comes will I be able to leave Target for a better opportunity"
At this rate NO!!
I'm not sure if this makes since or not. I have a  number of friends who have had 2-4 different jobs by now. While do something different would be great I want to make sure I'm able to still have that safety net of a no matter what I'll have a pay check.

As it stands I work at  Target, Take care of a lady, and applying for jobs in nursing homes.
I'd rather work three jobs then give up the retail job I've had since 2007. I don't need to work this way but, the good out weights the bad to much for me to leave.

Feel like some would call me greedy but if this was about the money,I wouldn't work a damn minimum wage job when I have training for a job that will pay me more. so where do I go from here?

I feel like Target is the very caring and loving guy that I'v known so long and can trust he'll take care of me no matter how much I complain. He's very mild mannered and doesn't yell and argue back at me when I do. He just hugs me when I'm finished, says he's going to fix it and fixes it.
While the other opportunities are that guy you meet at some random moment and and you have an instant connection with, and you see all the things that could be, but  feel like you've invested all this time with the perfect nice guy that you'd regret getting with the other guy and he turns out to bean ass hole later down the line.

Helpful or Caring Heart..Maybe?

I'm trying to figure out if I have the "Caring" gene. You would think someone born of two very helpful people, naturally I would be "Heather Helpful". Well Wait, is Helpful and Caring two different things?

I recently got accepted into the CNA program. While I was having the interview with one of the nurses, she said you have to have compassion for people. So, again I start to worry. Do I have what it takes?

 My mother has always worked in the heath care field, she has always had a way of caring for others, no matter what the situation was.

Same with my Dad, he's been a firefighter, MP, security officer and EMT. Now as you can see I have been raised with the helpful and Caring gene, Maybe.

I am just going to shoot in the dark here and say the Caring and Helpful or two different things. What my mother does is caring. What my father does is helpful?

Story Time:

   I can remember when I was in high school, My parents and I were on a road trip to somewhere, (What you should know is that when ever two or more people are in the car I tend to sleep 90% of the way to where ever we are going). I was awaken by the car pulling over to the gravel side of the road. My mom tells me to stay in the car (umm, the way I'm looking lady? Gladly) When I actually come to and looked out the window I see, what looks to be a red truck turned over on its roof and both of my parents heading over toward the truck. Not, sure how they come upon this situation but the fact that they didn't just drive by and call the police but stopped is what struck me. The fact that dad told the operator to use his GPS on his phone to track our location, My mother asking the man if he was the only one in the car. But the whole thing was something that makes me stop and ask. If it was me, would I have stopped? Would I know what to do? and How many other people saw this same thing?

My dad, who is "Mr. Emergency" to me, meaning in any given season he is prepared for ANYTHING! Ever since I can remember if he ever saw a car on the side of the road, he stops and asks, "Is everything OK, do you need any help?" He told me when my sister and I was younger he did it less often as a safety precaution for us (Not everyone is as innocent as they seem). 

Recently, we all had a talk about "When does helping someone Kick in"? Is it after you've had years of training like them? Is it just the flight or fight response? What is it?

Will I have what it takes? Because I care about people, I love learning about them and when it comes to helping them I try my best. Most of the time its really having the ear to listen to them (People talk my ear off like CRAZY). So can I go that further step by putting their life in my hands? What does it take?

I started asking one question,  but ended up with more questions then answers.

The CNA program is over on 0ct. 12th so I'll revisit this around then. after some training and understanding of a few more things.

The Politics of Religion

When I meet new people I like to find out as much as I can about them but two things I shy away from.

Religious Beliefs and Political stance

Yes, some things do define you but I don't think who you vote for does. As far as what you believe?

Believe what you want, just don't try to make me believe it PLEASE!
Out of respect for my work environment and making my money, I don't care what you do outside of work just do your job while your in the work right?

I bring this up because recently religion and politics have come up in a few of my everyday conversations. I usually stay quite on my thoughts, say your remarks on how Obama sucks, or Mitt is stupid etc. I just don't want to form any opinion about you, based on how you feel about the president.

The very first time I got to vote was in the 2008 election. I felt like I was finally doing something amazing, I followed every drop of political news I could get my 17 year old hands on (My birthday is November 2 so I registered yearly to meet that November 4th deadline)
I registered people to vote, It was a big deal for me, and it still is. All I really want is for people to vote. I feel you have no right to say SHIT! UNLESS you go to the polls and vote. Read about your political parties and what they all stand for, Do your own research. Just because your parents are one thing doesn't mean you are!? *Steps off Soap Box*

My next door neighbor "Uncle Mark" as I have come to call him, is a republican, die hard (If you ask me) But this man in very nice and my Dad who is Green Party (I no nothing about them) have a great working relationship. because they still help each other. Uncle Mark takes me to work at times we have BBQs together and his wife feeds me too. My mother, who is a demarcate, a afraid to tell you that either. What a great blind of people right? Now ask me about my own friends? I have no Idea, I'd know their religion before I would know that.

See I base my interaction with people, by 1. how much we have in common 2. how much space you let me have. 3. Your own personality.

Let me break if further down for you.

1. I can't pretend to have anything in common with you, We can best of friends and only have one thing in common (I've done it, I know it works). I can learn from you, and if you teaching me something is what we have in common then Hell that's cool too.
-I got a friend in Chicago, that me and her would have movie nights. That is all we did was watch movies together. would see each other for a month or two and then get together to watch 2-3 movies. that is how we functioned. We went out to a club once but other then that, movies, movies and more movies

2. This might sound surprising but, Yes I am totally fine not talking to people, or going places with them. I really do like being alone at times. (I'm sleep 80% of this time but hey either way, it my time) Now, I am surprised I do have friends, I do not make a HUGE effort to keep in touched with people. that's only partly my fault (Other fault belongs to my personality). In my head I believe have all this stuff going on, when actually I'm just keeping to myself, and having of a very bad case of procrastination...

3. Look, I try to be very welcoming to any and everyone. I think I'm a warm and fuzzy person (Well I really like fuzzy things. haha) and Well sometimes being friends with everyone doesn't always happen. Some can't handle me being touchy but, you can't touch me. Or, not seeing or talking to you for months and when we do see each other is like no day has gone by. (Yes I am notorious for having relationships like this). I can't help being 'That Girl"

Religion and Politics don't factor into this, I'm sorry. I can't help that I feel slightly uncomfortable with this.

My belief on religion is...Yea, I don'r know because I prefer to be a spiritual person with gospel music playing in the background. If I was the head of church all we would do is sing, and listen to music...yep and church would be over in about an hour. I am a bit more open about hearing about others belief BUT don't you dare try to make me feel like I am living wrong in anyway. Yes I did lie to my parents about going church Let me explain.

Freshmen Year of College 2009
- I called home and told my mom that I really wanted to come. No questions asked my mommy and daddy came and got me. (Teenage crushes are so hard to handle at 18 sometimes.) While on the way home, my parents asked me "Have you been to church since you been in Chicago?" and without hesitation I said "No. I'm still looking" LIES! and they knew it was a lie. and after my weekend visit was over, and I got back to my dorm, I told them the truth that I wasn't really looking for a church. I wasn't ready to make that "commitment" yet. We all have to find faith our own way.

This is where I leave my thoughts for now on the subject. Yes they are not fully expressed I guess, but lets face it, I can talk about this until I'm blue in the face and die. and no one would give two shits about what I said and just go on with their lives, right? yep. Damn Humans.

Will you Marry Me? / Divorce Me?

No matter how strong or smart you are it is only one thing that can make even the strongest weak at the knees and dumb in every action. Only one action that can top all other actions in this world. Almost every song ever created is based off this one emotion, Love.
Love is defined as profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
When we love someone its only right that we take that next step and get married right? I hate to say the next step is not marriage as we all grow up to believe "First comes love, then comes marriage..."

Marriage often times is just:
-Connivance
-Something to do
-A financial set up for the future.
-Fear of being alone

How do you finish something you know nothing about?

I honestly do want to be married. I want the whole thing. Will I be good at? haha who the hell knows?

Every one thinks I'm to young to be thinking of these things, but I have friends who are married, engaged, engaged to be engaged and I'm not talking about people just saying they are either. these are girls and guys who are my age. who went to school with me.

I think of marriage just as I think of sex, a big fucking deal!!
-this is of course a very personal thought that I keep to my self. the funny part is its not a religious thing that drives these beliefs. its all just personal feelings. I do not believe in divorce. that is why I put a great deal on marriage. I'm doing it once and that is it. I always thought I would marry young, but as time goes on, and my own bucket list gets longer me getting married goes further down the list. (Sorry going to Europe, finishing college, publishing a book beat out marriage and a family) Yes I am a career minded girl and I want to do everything I can before I turn into "Betty Draper"

Betty Draper is an overexertion, because she was just plan mean. But would I want to be a house wife? to a certain extent. I don't mean rise the kids first and then go back to my career, ummm no! I mean maybe have 2-5 patients while being mommy and wife (live off stock, and book sells) that's why I figure I can build my love nest and future now so I can  do that.

So yes, I will be that girl that buys a house before she's married, Yes I will be a Jack-of-all trades. You name it I will most likely have some hand in it.

I want to be the one that left no stone upturned,  I want the life experiences to be able to help anyone (Child or Adult) go through life with any advice they request of me.

We will see how far I get?!?!

The Lost Days *HP1

Rantoul, IL. I know nothing about this place. I am in a house I have never lived in. I was at one point only a weekend visitor to this "home".
 Old Military housing. Its is said that the plans for these got mixed up with the plans for the housing in California so they aren't the best in the winter. but great during the summer weather. A house set a little ways from the old military base it once served. now a practice field for the University of Illinois football team during pre-season two-a-days.

I'm having a hard time breathing. I don't know were anything goes. I'm a stranger to this house as it is a stranger to me. Like that person you might see ever few years, you know the face but the name will never come to mind. This should be easy, but actually its really hard to wrap my head around.

After all of my things were packed into the room further from the cluster of rooms just to the right of the stairs I felt a little sick. Not sick of what was going on, but sick from how I got to this point. When I would visit from my "busy" city life I would use this as my "getaway" but now I have turned it around. I go to Chicago to get away from that feeling of a small ass fish bowl, where everyone is looking at me as if I have two heads.I may have moved back into my parents home, but its not my home, not yet anyway. Will ever really be mine? If it became "comfort zone" approved, how long would it  before it all was gone.

'Home is where the Heart is"
If that is a true quote I wish I would have moved home about last spring then, because where I lay my head at night doesn't have my heart anymore. My heart is where laughter is, the monthly, sometimes weekly date nights. the inside jokes. seeing the smile on her face, and the welcome home kisses.What did it turn into?
Silence...

-Sometime  getting what you asked for, is not always a good thing for you, or those around you.
Those who know me, know I hate silence. those who know me, know that I love them as if I was a 5 year old little girl. I hate where this is going.  I hate where I might just end up between them. I have two roommates who don't talk to each other anymore. Every time I talk to one I feel like I might be stabbing the other in the back. Its not like we are exchanging information. Its like I am the Berlin Wall. No, I will not play the messenger for either. but I will not feel guilty for wanting to be with either of them.

I have always been a good judge of relationships that did not involve me. (Ask about myself and I will be like a deer inn headlights) ever since I was little I could watch two people interact with each other and know how it would end up. She never hid anything from me, some say she should have. I have seen her heart break and I have seen her happy. He is a brick wall, even to his offspring at times. Very private. what ever interaction he has its between him and those he has it at that time, no outsiders allowed.

He is like that elite club you long to have some type of connection with rather true or forced. I can count on one hand how many times he has cried and I don't even need to use all 5 fingers. I will never say a man will not have reason to shed a tear or two, or will he ever be less of a man. Just because he is mean, doesn't mean he's absent of any feelings. but that fact that I can't read what you are thinking or feeling automatically doesn't mean I don't care to know what is going on in your head.
I look like a very pale version of him.I was told recently I act just like him. I don't see this as a bad thing, but I know how he is or, how I assume he is and I hope I got the good things from him. I love him. and I want very much for them to love like they may or not have ever before.

Life behind the walls of a home are nothing but private opportunity to improve your day to day life outside those same walls.

*Hidden Post 1.